This is an archive story from April 2007. For the most recent stories go here

GUNS DON'T KILL

Problem: Cyborgs

Solution: More Guns

Wise Words: John McCain

Futuristic Cyborgs Do

An investigation is currently under way to determine the events leading up to the "TechNoir" nightclub massacre in downtown Los Angeles.

Witnesses to the event described a methodical, silent cold killer - completely unlike the usual happy-go-lucky chatty shooter killers.

Doorman of the club noticed he seemed withdrawn and lonely - apparently ignoring their requests to pay the entry fee and crushing one bouncers hand in the process.

Mullet

Doorman and employee of TechNoir, Richy Blondemullet, later described in a police interview how he approached the killer, "I was like - 'hey dude you haven't paid, and he was like, staring into space and not even looking at me. He also totally fucked my hand."

The resultant shootout in the club left several thousand rounds embedded in walls and 32 unlucky clubbers dead. Firearms found at the scene were traced to a local gun shop owner who is in hospital at this time. In a police interview the shop owner, John Guyfromgremlins explained his feelings:

The guy seemed normal, bought an Uzi 9 mm and one of those cool ceramic pistols you can conceal without setting of alarms - the Glock. Then he asked me for some unusual stuff and I said we didn't stock it. Then he blasted me clean off my feet. I just didn't see it coming.

Goddamn foreign cars

"I guess it was dumb luck and not the freely available guns and ammunition giving him ideas."

Describing the sale as "a routine purchase", John Guyfromgremlins said he first realised that his shop had sold the gun when agents of the government's ATF arrived on Monday evening, with a receipt that had been found at the nightclub. "To find out the gun came from my shop is terrible," Mr Guyfromgremlins said.

Senator John McCain observed today:

We have to look at what happened here, but... I do believe in the constitutional right that everyone has, in the Second Amendment to the Constitution, to carry a weapon. Obviously we have to keep guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens.

Wise words senator - not in the hands of cyborgs or anyone wanting to do something 'bad' with a gun. We at The Orion Bag salute you.

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