This is an archive story from May 2007. For the most recent stories go here

GOODBYE SUNSHINE

Capa: Typical Physicist type geek

That sun-brightening nucleobomb thingy

"You don't need to see his identification, move along"

Icarus II runs aground on Impossible Mission

Reports are coming in that the latest misconceived space mission on an overly complex and spindly spaceship full of impossibly beautiful people has run aground on a small, previously undiscovered planet near the Sun, temporarily named "Self Importance".

Here comes the Sun

The crew of the Icarus II were on an earnest but improbable, and scientifically implausible, mission to fire a nucleo-dafto-bomb into the middle of the sun to prevent it "dying". No-one had told them that if the Sun was dying, it would expand furiously and consume everything in its path, including Earth, until reaching the orbit of Jupiter. So there.

Good Day Sunshine

Orion Bag's auto-correspondent Gak 2.0 has been tracing the transmitted logs of the mission, and it had all been going to plan until they received a strange distress signal.

The signal was emanating from a previously charted and unfortunately regularly visited asteroid, named "Shite", just left of Venus. As Icarus II approached the asteroid, the poster-friendly and chisel-jawed crew peered curiously out of their big silly sunburn window at countless wreckages strewn across the surface of the asteroid. The debris of countless movies that had run aground on "Shite" as they attempted to achieve their task of shamelessly emulating Alien.

Black Hole Sun

Sam Neill could be seen all crazy-eyed waving out of the window of the Event Horizon which had piled headlong into the side of the Hunter Gratzner. Thankfully Vin Diesel was not spotted. Also visible was the huge crater left by the misguided Mission to Mars. At the bottom of the Crater, Ben Affleck could be seen jumping up and down carrying a placard saying "take me home! Armegeddon wasn't that bad"...

So distracted by the multitude of poor movie carcasses were the crew, that the pilot slipped on a tub of their own hair gel and veered catastrophically onto the surface of the planet "Self Importance". There is currently no sign of life left amongst the wreckage, although records show they narrowly missed the shell of 2010 and several Alien sequels.

The Sun has got his hat on

Despite the failure of the mission, plans are afoot for a second mission – Moonshine – to unearth Uncle Jesse out of The Dukes of Hazzard to create an endless source of renewable energy mysteriously known as "moonshine" - wooooooo.

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