This is an archive story from June 2007. For the most recent stories go here

VIRTUAL REALITY!

Barbarian: "Notting Hill in zone 1 right?

Dwarf: "Crayfish? With rockets? MADNESS!"

Elf: "Vente? Latte? Grande? Skinne?"

Fantasy Heroes Suffer Real Life Defeat!

In a freak reality mishap today real-life fantasy heroes happened upon the real world.

Emerging from a tear in the fabric of reality Conran, a barbarian warrior (level 41), Leeta, an elven thief (level 33) and Dungog, a dwarven wizard (level 19) appeared on London Citys Bishopsgate. Being widely regarded as 'archetypal fantasy characters' did not limit the experience of our reality for these creatures. Conran, known for his mighty war cry - immediately found problems with communication and moving across town.

Blue Oyster Card

"I have crushed the demon armies of Fuzznut; slain the dragon of pissant and claimed the throne of Thisthat. Yet I am unable to conquer the London Underground off-peak ticket within Zone 1 - not without the mythical Oyster card. I know not what quest I must embark on to get that..."

Equal Opportunities

Meanwhile Dungong, sturdy dwarven wizard of the mine of Fucksake - found himself on the rough end of London's denizens. Striking off to the 'Covent Garden' he expected to find priests and healing alms. Instead he was pelted with loose change and made to dance for Japanese tourists. Despite having disintegrated countless Orcs he could not handle the pressure of the queue for the mythical 'Prêt-a-Monger' - nearly starving to death until someone threw a stale kebab at him.

Words Of Power

Leeta similarly, even though the most cunning of elven thieves, found the city intimidating. On her quest for the immortal 'Starbuzz' elixir she found whilst battling through crowds someone had placed a cloak of invisibility on her. In addition when she stood before the master of 'service' in their green cloaks and strange accents she was immobilised by some words of power - 'grande or vente?'. Caught out so easily Leeta failed her morale check and fled.

Social Failure

Retreating back through the reality rip the characters made one universal complaint: Reality is far too hard and they would need to be far higher levels to deal with it. Or possibly the problems with it would be resolved in the next edition or upgrade.

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