This is an archive story from February 2007. For the most recent stories go here

BIG BROTHER 2010: ATTACK OF THE CLONES

Goody cloned and ready to go

Yesterday: A badly packed kebab

Ch4 to outright ignore protests of the public

In a bold and defiant move, Channel 4 has decided to side-step common sense, morality, good taste and public opinion to announce their futuristic plans for the car-crash, televised disaster that is Big Brother.

William Scumthrust, executive producer of Big Brother told a public gathering of press and the morally outraged today, "Big Brother has been the mainstay of popular Channel 4 programming now for many years - we pull in more voters than the average election and it rakes in more money than Gordon Browns tax hikes. You - the viewing public of Britain - have asked us indirectly for something that is both vicious and tedious - we are only happy to provide for. The logical conclusion and future of voyeurtastic is this..."

At this stage Scumthrust pulled back a tarpaulin that was covering a large placard - the room appeared to recoil in awe - or maybe horror.

"Big Brother 2010 - Goodyville. We felt that what people really want is an entire village of ignorant, self-loathing poltroons who are incapable of either rational thought or even the most basic of reasoning. This was tricky to do - monkeys have some self respect and could not be trained to exhibit the necessary self-loathing - and pigs - well, they meet the criteria of being disgusting but tend to not do much in the way of slander. It came to me in a blinding flash - we need clones of Jade Goody. Dozens of 'em. All crammed together in one artificial village under the constant supervision of you - the watching viewer. Exact replicas of Jade are required because, let's face it, lightning doesn't strike twice - and God isn't that cruel."

Reacting to a strong press reaction that seemed to consist of shaking fists and vomiting he indicated: "Jade is exceptional - so what could be better than twenty Jade Goodys. Imagine if you will - twenty semi-naked, stupid insecure Jades - cavorting and trying to outwit each other. It will be both terrifying and beautiful... like a Bosch painting given human form."

In response to the issue of legality Scumthrust nodded - commenting "Yes, yes - the somewhat archaic laws of this country mean that all engineering and development will have to take place off the coast of Brazil - at least in this respect we will have a secure compound and no nonsense from the public - like stone throwing or firebombs."

At this stage the crowd roared and surged forward. He was heard to utter something about "You brought it on yourselves!" before the mob tore him into confetti.

A PR spokesperson for Jade Goody later wept, tearing at her hair.

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