This is an archive story from June 2007. For the most recent stories go here

MRSA: WE ONLY WANT TO LIVE

Silent but deadly

Die bugs die

You clean up here Spock while pop out and shag Joan Collins

Killer bug sentient say doctors

The Orion Bag can exclusively reveal that the deadly hospital bug MRSA is in fact a sentient life form from another world fighting for survival.

Product placement

The microscopic virus is officially designated a collective consciousness and was first discovered in May 1997 mere days AFTER the Conservative government were ousted by warmongering liar Tony Blair. Despite repeated attempts by primary care trusts to eradicate the desease it has proved to stubborn against conventional cleaners like Cif or Domestos (other cleaning products are available).

Night on the town

As doctors, nurses and cleaining staff battled the desease they became increasingly aware of signs on intelligence from the virus. Dr Julius Limbani, a junior houseman at Croydon's Have Mercy Hospital, started noticing some perculiar occurences. "I was picking some glass out of this guys face one Friday night in Casualty when I noticed a mop and bucket moving under its own power. It travelled out of the front door and hurled itself in front of the number 64 bus."

"Nobody else noticed it or they were too off their heads to begin with that they chose to ignore it. I myself have been caning the pills lately. These double shifts are killing me... literally."

And the dirt is gone

At first the claims were dismissed as the drug induced imaginings of over-worked medical staff. But when health minister Patricia Hewitt was overpowered by the beasties the authorities started to take notice. "We are Species 4589 from Marillion III." They said through the unwilling Hewitt host. "We mean you no harm but must have room to live. More humans will die until you cease the use of your Cillet Bang. It is poison to us."

Stone knives & bear skins

While negotitions for a cease fire continue, scientists are keen to discover how the alien virus got here in the first place. Experts are reviewing old time travel episodes of Star Trek for clues. "In the episode City On The Edge of Forever Mr Spock definitely did not wash behind his ears." said one.

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