This is an archive story from July 2007. For the most recent stories go here

EVIL PREMIERSHIP II

Evil (artists impression)

Evil Beckham: Take a look in the mirror mirror

Evil Sven: Rapacious womaniser

For the bad of the game

Following the startling revelations revealed in our sister website The Onion Bag, more details are coming through about a crack in space-time exposing Premier League football to an evil mirror universe.

Football is a game played by energetic young men and supported by fat humourless old men. The young men run around scoring. The old men like to watch them. Sci-Fi fans have little in common with the former but quite a lot in common with the latter.

Man in the mirror

The mirror universe is a transposed version of our own. In this parallel dimension everyone wears goatees and looks menacing. In the mirror universe, David Beckham is a greedy rapacious capitalist trading off his looks & waning talent and is in league with a dangerous cult bent on world domination. Whereas in our universe he is a kind and benevolent man who gives generously to charities, has a sweet right foot and counts screen legend and all round good guy Tom Cruise among his friends.

Mirror Group

The Imperial Premier League which runs what they call The Ugly Game in the dark dimension is also influenced by mirror media giant BSkyB which flouts the law, controls governments and shapes public opinion for its own nefarious purposes. By contrast, our BSkyB is a benevolent force for democracy with its balanced news services, top quality sports and entertainment packages and competitively priced Satellite TV subscription service.

Mirror ball

The Orion Bag has uncovered evidence suggesting that important figures in Football from our universe are being replaced by their evil doppelgangers. New Manchester City manager Sven Goran Eriksson who enjoyed a glittering career winning championships in Sweden, Portugal and Italy has been replaced by a useless, avaricious, philandering love rat.

Your plageriser please

If the rift can be sealed then both universes can be restored. The Government have despatched a crack team of scientists led by the maverick adventurer Dr Dirk Malleable to solder the fabric of space back together. Unfortunately, he had been replaced by his evil counterpart: A one dimensional coward of limited intelligence... at least, we think he's been replaced.

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