This is an archive story from July 2007. For the most recent stories go here

MASTER TO ENTER BIG BROTHER HOUSE

The Master: Put that light out

Ziggy: Platitudinous twonk

Renegade - but who's left behind on Gallifrey to do the dishes?

Evil Time Lord to dominate diary room

The Master is set to be the surprise new housemate for Big Brother 8. His evil genius was announced at a press conference today. The Master is yet another renegade Time Lord, and cynics have recently questioned whether the proliferation of renegade Time Lords meant there was anyone left back in Gallifrey at all.

Recipe for success

Marjrey Meeja, C4's spokesperson, said: 'We're always trying to push the envelope with Big Brother and this time the stamps will be popping off the manila! We've always wanted to attract an intergalactic ubervillain with bafflingly shoddy criminal plans to the Big Brother house, and we've finally succeeded! All we need now is a racist incident and some topless chavs, and we'll be laughing all the way to the bank!'

Special mix

Channel Four are thought to want to replicate that special mix of camp and sophistication Derek brought to BB6. Certainly Big Brother will have to be very careful that this most Machiavellian of housemates doesn't discuss voting or throw water across the kitchen in between annexing galaxies.

Quizzed

When quizzed by intrepid Orion Bag robot reporter Gak 2.0 yesterday, The Master had little to say. Except: 'Look into my eyes. I am… THE MASTER!'. Gak 2.0 came to three days later to find himself desperate to obey somebody. And to have inexplicably given up smoking, just in time for the 1 July UK ban. Maybe The Master is more law-abiding now he's really a 1970s Manchester policeman.

Squish

On the upside, the inclusion of The Master into the Big Brother house means there's an excellent chance of him using his tissue compression eliminator to squish that platitudinous twonk Ziggy into a boy band action figure.

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