This is an archive story from August 2007. For the most recent stories go here

THE ERMINTRUDE STRAIN

Deadly virus: Happier times

"I've told you I looked down there"

Taliban cow (artists impression)

Secret cow killer not so secret

The Orion Bag can exclusively reveal that the foot and mouth virus threatening to devastated the UK's agricultural industry was in fact custom made in a secret lab and was intended to be used as a weapon in the war on terror.

All creatures great and small

British military boffins saw the chaos and political destabilisation after the Foot and Mouth crisis of 2001 and decided to develop its own version. However the virus, deadly to livestock, escaped out of its test tube in Surrey and is now on the loose.

Dr Julius Limbani of the Centre for Disease Control in the University of Croydon explained that this was a particularly virulent strain. "The virus was intended to be used in the harsh climbs of Afghanistan, Iraq and France." he told the Orion Bag's intrepid reporter Gak 2.0 "Those Taliban cows are made of strong stuff you know."

It shouldn't happen to a vet

The virus, designed to endure the Afghan mountains and Iraqi oil fields is making short work of the south of England which is still recovering from flood damage. Prime Minister Gordon Brown has already demanded a full explanation as to how the virus got out. Experts believes the bug could have:

1) Escaped down a drain and into a sewage pipe.

2) Disguised itself as the Queen on a £20 note given to a pizza delivery boy and hitched a ride on the back of his scooter.

3) Left via the front door after someone left it open.

The Ministry Of Defence are preparing a scapegoat to blame for the catastrophe. Underpaid lab assistant Dirk Malleable is the bookies favourite to take the flack. Troops have already started distributing burning torches to the angry mob assembling outside the lab.

Animal Farm

Meanwhile, concerns are rising for the inhabitants of England's the only farm controlled by animals. The socialist utopia has been under mounting pressure since they over-threw the farmers in a bloodless revolution and the farming community imposed sanctions and refused them trade. Reports from beyond their gate tell of starving plague ridden cows, headless chickens and balding sheep. A spokespig for the Animal's Farm said "We are all of us very ill. But some are more ill than others."

Duffman | Send this story to a friend | Blog this | Page link