This is an archive story from August 2007. For the most recent stories go here

TOY-TAL RECALL

On the loose

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Why was I born so ugly?

Toy soldier recall too little too late

Toy manufacturing giant Mattelliburton's decision to recall millions of toys programmed to rise up against their owners has come too late according to consumer groups.

The models toys, ranging from cars, baby dolls and plastic soldiers had to be recalled after 18 million of them were implanted with behavioural modification chips intended for US troops. The chip, designed to desensitise American soldiers to the horrors of war in Iraq and Afghanistan, found their way into the toys by mistake.

Eagle Eyes

The consequences of the mistake were disastrous. Thousand of children up and down the were US running in fear as axe wielding psychopathic birthday presents pursued them with a murderous glint in their voice activated pearlescent eyes (contains real tears). The emergency services in the UK have reported hundreds of calls from terrified mothers who's children have removed the chips and swallowed them. Now they are running riot. A suburb of Portsmouth has been taken over by murderous infants and their cohorts of girls dollies, action men and talking cars.

You don't have to be mad to work here...

The error occurred after a member of staff's last day at work prank went terribly wrong. "Hank swapped requisition form h425v for despatch form u9875z as a joke." said Mattelliburton employee Hamble Liteweight "At the time we thought it was hilarious. All the guys up on the fifth floor were in stitches. Thinking back on it, maybe it wasn't worth all the horror"

Now with dynamic grip

As insurance companies count the cost of the damage caused by rampaging toys and psychiatrists count the money made in counselling fees for traumatised children. The manufacturers are confident that they will escape prosecution for this disaster. "We feel that our good work in supplying real life cluster bombs and depleted uranium shells to help in the fight against Terror will act in mitigation." said Mattelliburton spokesman Ernesto Cockgroupier. "Either that or we'll pack an extra special gift under every Christmas tree in America come the holidays… if you know what I mean."

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