This is an archive story from August 2007. For the most recent stories go here

CIA BLEW CHANCE TO SPOT TIME WAR

Time Lords: Ignorant

Funny looking pepperpot

Likes girls

Time Lord spooks guilty of missing obvious

According to an internal report, the Celestial Intervention Agency (CIA) on Gallifrey stands accused of possessing advance knowledge of the Time War with the Daleks which could have avoided the total annihilation of the Time Lords.

Death Zone 2000

The enquiry, led by Coordinator Narvin, identifies sixty CIA agents who ignored evidence of a planned Dalek invasion of Gallifrey. "There were plenty of people who could have averted this war and prevented our species from complete destruction" he told the Orion Bag's intrepid reporter Gak 2.0. "These agents should be exiled to the Death Zone for their criminal neglect. Unfortunately, I'm one of the sixty so I suspect we'll just get off with a fine."

Salt 'n' Peppa

A nineteen page report reveals a trail of evidence pointing to imminent destruction. First there were the life-size Dalek shaped pepper pots which were an anonymous birthday gift delivered to Cardinal Borusso, six weeks after the occasion. Then there was the transmissions from the Dalek home plant Skaro containing cryptic messages like "TIME LORDS. PREPARE TO BE EXTERMINATED!". Finally, and most tellingly, there was the fleet of close to a million Dalek warships that stayed in orbit for 24 hours demanding the Time Lords surrender. All of this was completely ignored by the CIA.

Doctor Wooh

The resultant Time War spread across the space-time continuum. Time Lords and Daleks fought the day Kennedy was shot, the day the Berlin Wall collapsed and the day England won the Ashes. The war led to the extinction of the Time Lords save one: a short man with posing as a Scotsman but with a north London accent. He was last seen bothering young women in council estates in Camberwell.

The Final Countdown

Now that the truth is out, Head Coordinator Vansell has vowed to conduct a full audit of the Agency to ensure that there are no other apocalypses that have been ignored. "We must learn the lessons of our own destruction." he said "So that we can stop something like this from happening in the future. Speaking of which, did anyone remember to go forward in time and stop it happening...? Oh."

Duffman | Send this story to a friend | Blog this | Page link