This is an archive story from September 2007. For the most recent stories go here

DRUNKS IN SPACE

"I'm fine, I've only had a couple"

Knight Rider: Just say no to Drunk (Driving)

Doner Kebab: Space food for the new Millenium

Autopilot Experts from Knight Industries called in

NASA has called in the experts to develop new spacecraft technology, despite it being stated that astronauts did not fly drunk aboard the space shuttle. The investigation was carried out by NASA's own safety chief, Bryan O'Connor.

Sloshed

The addled astronauts have escaped a pasting, despite substantial evidence that led investigators to believe that a standard mission on the Space Shuttle was nothing but a zero-gravity booze-up.

All astronaut activity on board the shuttle is captured by closed-circuit television, and investigators were looking into the following incidents:

- two astronauts frantically debating whether The Godfather is better than Godfather II

- a large quantity of discarded Doner Kebab wrappers stuffed under the pilot's seat

- an 84% increase in urine on the floor around the men's urinal

- an extended period, 2 hours after launch, of the crew all telling each other that "I really love you, no really. You're my best mate."

Inebriated

But Mr O'Connor has clear explanations for some of the more dubious activity caught on camera.

"Our crews operate under a great deal of stress. We like to ease the pressure with a good in-flight movie, once the complicated stuff like taking off and not blowing up are out of the way."

"Secondly, one of our crew has chucked in the fags, so he's having a bit of trouble keeping the weight off. We've developed a healthy low-fat grilled meat and vegetable meal, with extra chili sauce to help with his nutritional plan. Or something."

"Oh, and you try pissing in zero-gravity."

Tanked

As an extra safety precaution, NASA have brought in the boffins from Knight Industries to assist with development of a more sophisticated autopilot system.

A spokesman from Knight Industries said:

"Our brief was to create a system for the shuttle that would fly it, even if the crew were off their faces on booze and crack and could barely crawl to the lavs to vomit."

"We have great experience in this field with some of our previous clients, so Nasa gave us first call."

Squiffy

Amidst reports that international astronauts had also been drunk aboard the Russian Soyuz space station, the Russian Space Agency has issued a statement saying:

"Vee alvays send our boys up wiz a bottle of zee fineest Vodka. God knows eet is dangerous enough in our cranky old spaceships, and eet iz boring az hell once you are up zere."

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