This is an archive story from November 2007. For the most recent stories go here

BEAM ME UP GROTTY

"I can't even play Tetris on this"

Starfleet Communicator: Retro style

"Kirk to Streatham... come in Streatham"

Kirk attacks Starfleet mobiles

Starfleet Command is under heavy fire, but this time its not from Romulan Birds of Prey or Klingon disruptors. Its from their very own Captain James T Kirk because of the shoddy mobile communicators that he and is officers must put up with.

Working

In a recent Captain's Log, Kirk denounced the communicators as bulky and behind the times. "These... handheld devices... that we use... are archaic and... inefficient." he told his talking computer over a glass of Saurian brandy. "I've seen... better communicators in a museum... much better"

The captain of the USS Enterprise was referring to the range of mobile telephony devices on display in the new exhibition in the Smithsonian entitled Make the most of then: A mobile memory lane. Kirk was taken aback by what the phones used in the early 21st century could do.

What is love??

"They have... file transfer protocols and... text messaging systems... The incoming message alert could be changed or even... silenced... The amount of times I've had to fight my way out of a Klingon military base or... jump out of a ladies bedroom because my communicator went off is... well its alot trust me."

Kirk also berated the design of the modern devices. "Clam-shells are so 1999... In fact... I'd say it was made by someone in the 1960's... who imagined what they'd be like in the... 23rd Century."

No signal

The head of the Starfleet Science & Technology Division's base in Croydon is Admiral Julius Limbani. He defended the communicators. "The design is controversial but we like the retro feel to them." he said "Besides, with our devices you can talk to someone orbiting the planet. With those old phones you'd be lucky to talk to someone in Streatham."

Mac whore

Meanwhile, Kirk and his crew are believed to be planning a trip back in time to the early naughties to get their hands on a new iPhone. While the perils of time travel hold no terror for Kirk, he is deeply concerned about having to sign a contract with 02. "What is a... direct debit agreement?"

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