This is an archive story from November 2007. For the most recent stories go here

ALL@EMAILS.GONE

Internet: in meltdown

Troopsout and madasafish

Blair: calm

Planet's e-mail supply exhausted

The World Wide Web was gripped by panic when the entire supply of e-mail addresses ran out earlier today.

The W3C have declared a state of emergency and withdrawn e-mail accounts from everyone who has more than one address. This has caused a massive uproar as the upshot is that most people have been forced to send messages online using their first ever e-mail address.

Up the workers

"We appreciate that this is an awkward situation for most people" said top Internet guru Dr Julius Limbani "most people's first ever e-mail addresses were set up when they were much younger and before they got proper jobs with sensible addresses. I for one have had some problems explaining my address of kill_capitalism@hotmail.com to my friends at the golf club."

black.wednesday

The impact has been felt immediately in the City of London where high powered bankers have gone from addresses like jeferrey_l_block@pricewaterhouse.com to sluttyboy12@yahoo.net. The Governor of the Bank of England Mervyn King (king_dong@freeserve.com) warned that such ludicrous e-mail accounts may undermine confidence in the City and force a run on the pound.

Opus daisy

Education secretary Ruth Kelly (god_punishes_all@btinternet.co.uk) is concerned that school students will be denied addresses of their own. She is believed to be in crisis talks with the Prime Minister Gordon Brown (troopsout@junglelink.co.uk). US president George Bush (give_him_the_chair895@madasafish.net) is said to be deeply concerned.

Police brutality

Panic continues to rise on the streets because of the profound embarrassment of people forced to use stupid, inane and half-witted addresses that they used when e-mails were a novelty. Metropolitan Police commissioner Ian Blair has appealed for calm. "Anybody concerned for their safety should contact me at signhereandwewillmakeitstop@lycos.com.

It is understood that the last ever new e-mail account that was opened was barriegeorge@whokilledjilldando.org.uk.

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