This is an archive story from December 2007. For the most recent stories go here

BATTLE OF THE PROPHETS BANNED

Blasphemed

Blasphemed

Blasphemed

Religious action figures blasphemous

A new toy range, called Battle Of The Prophets - poseable action figures based on historic religious figures such as Buddha, Jesus Christ, Abraham, M******d and Elvis - have caused a theological thunderstorm. The figures, which were to be available for Christmas, are set in the context of a grand battle for religious supremacy. Religious leaders are furious and regard the toys as blasphemous.

For God's sake stop

The models are equipped with futuristic armour and weapons, plus bluetooth enabled religious artefacts and smooth moulded primary-coloured undercrackers. Many accessories are sold separately including transcendental vehicles (such as Buddha's karma-coptor and Jesus' walk-on-water jet-ski) and battle scenes from history. Children can choose from the great theatres of war - the Crusades, Moorish sieges or the Stage Door of Jerry Springer - The Opera.

Somewhere at the back

"The depiction of religious icons as plastic toys is forbidden."

says Dirk Malleable, Arch Bishop of Mitcham.

"Besides, they break too easily and my twelve year old almost choked on Christ's Atomic Crown of Thorns."

Plans for the cartoon action series based on the toys have been shelved. Rumours that some of the original cells were stolen and turned into an underground Hentai comic will be confirmed when The Orion Bag's intrepid reporter Gak 2.0 can get hold of a copy.

Let My people go

The toys manufacturers, Matteliburton, reluctantly gave in to public pressure and have recalled the toys.

"Out of respect for our valued customers of all denominations we have witdrawn these blasphemous toys."

said Chief Executive Ernesto Cockgroupier.

"We now respectfully request that the entire staff of our Khartoum office be released by the Sudanese authorities."

Put 'em all in a field...

Thousands of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Jedis and Elvites joined together and attempted to storm the Matteliburton factory outside Mumbai in order to burn it down. However, once they realised that who they were standing next to they all had an enormous ruck instead. The resultant bloodbath led to only one survivor: Nick Dogbolter, a 22 year old David Icke follower who proclaimed himself the undisputed religious champion of the Universe. He instantly proclaimed the immediate wearing of turquoise tracksuits under pain of death. Praise be to him.

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