This is an archive story from February 2007. For the most recent stories go here

LIFE ON. CHARS

Cameron: Take me to your leader

Mrs Hunt: Unreconstructed bruiser

There may be ‘Life on Mars’ but we can’t let it come here, taking our jobs

Key figures in the Conservative Party are convinced David Cameron has slipped back thirty years into 2007, in a bizarre twist on TV's 'Life on Mars'. They strongly suspect Cameron is stranded in his past - and is really from our future.

I mean, RARELY

Conservative Party Chairman Jean Hunt, 73, peered down her nose today at Orion Bag's intrepid reporter, Gak 2.0, and growled: 'Look at the fects. I mean, RARELY. This David Cameron chappie, he stands for something called work-life balance - well, how's that going to get the country off its knees? I mean, RARELY. He's apparently concerned about something called 'the environment' - well; how will THAT help industry? And instead of locking away young people, like any right-thinking Conservative leader, fellah wants to HUG them! I mean, RARELY. He's CLAIRLY from the future. I mean, we're simply not READY for him yet.'

Chuckling

Insiders further report that Cameron has been seen chuckling in a patronising manner at the latest version of Microsoft Word; asking for his jetpack to be prepared 'as I need to be in France in ten minutes'; and gaping appalled at cigarette smokers and 4x4s. In addition, newspapers have yet to unearth anything even vaguely convincing that he is having an affair or is immersed in lucrative, but dubious, business dealings. This has led some pundits to question whether he is in fact a Conservative at all.

Cardigans and socks

And that's a doubt echoed by Mrs Hunt as she mournfully poured tea for Gak 2.0 in the conservatory of her Cheltenham home. 'I mean, it was all so different in the old days. All we had to do was start a little war with a smaller power, snuggle up to Big Business and biff the underclass, and Bob's your uncle. None of this 'social justice' moaning and nonsense. I mean, just because the economy needs immigrants, that's hardly a reason to let them in, is it? It's political correctness gone MAD, just like everyone says. As for going green, well, green's all right for a cardigan or a pair of socks, but it simply won't do for a policy. And it feels like simply YEARS since we last suggested bringing back hanging. It's just not good enough. This Cameron laddie'll just have to go back to 2037, or wherever he comes from. I mean, RARELY.'

David Cameron was not available for comment. He is thought to be at Sandown Park, where he fully expects to clean up.

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