This is an archive story from January 2008. For the most recent stories go here

TOP SECRET INSTITUTE ANNOUNCES OPEN DAY

Tonkywonk: Like CSI only in Croydon and with aliens

Fairfield Halls: Giveaway smell of wee

Captain Jock: Alien-botherer

Aliens welcome

A top secret institute is to throw its first open day next Thursday. There will be a tombola, and a bouncy castle for everyone except aliens with spikes.

Secret

The top secret institute, called quite simply 'Tonkywonk', are a secret group based in a secret base under the dual carriageway which bisects Croydon town centre. They dodge aliens in the same way most other Croydoners their age dodge ASBOs.

Still secret

Tonkywonk drive around in a big secret car with 'Tonkywonk Institute' written on the side in large dayglo letters. They have an entry in the Croydon and Sutton Yellow Pages under 'Secret Institutes'. Theirs is the only entry. Entry to their secret base, which everyone knows about, is impossible. Unless you're delivering pizza, in which case you're fine.

Really Secret

To get into their base you have to go into the phone box by the bus stops outside the Fairfield Halls and have a wee. Your DNA will then unlock some secret doors that take you into the secret car park below. The car parks smells of wee too, but in fact this is alien breath - that's how you know it's Torchwood's base. Remember that, next time you smell wee: it could be that aliens are about to invade you.

No, honest, they are secret

At the open day, the public will meet Croydon's most famous alien-botherers. They'll meet the leader, Captain Jock, a drunk homeless Scotsman dressed only in an RAF greatcoat; Wayne, a cocky insurance clerk; Tosh, a disgraced chemist who still has her own white coat and is prepared to wear it even though she's now working as a cashier at the Cheltenham and Gloucester; and Glenda, a big fat chav with a heart of gold. Aliens may also be in attendance, providing Captain Jock can drag them out of Paddy Power.

Hush hush

The public may feel it was a brave decision to include in the ranks of these improbable alien-biffers someone called 'Tosh'.

Ssssh

In other news, the Editor of this website was released on bail this morning, having been arrested for persistently weeing in the phone box by the bus stops outside the Fairfield Halls, Croydon. When asked for a comment, he wailed: 'I just wanted to see all the lovely aliens.'

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