This is an archive story from February 2008. For the most recent stories go here

BBC BATTLES BOND

Dodgy title

Not much better

Half the BBC are on drugs, you know

New Bond film title enrages BBC bosses

The new James Bond film, recently announced as Quantum of Solace, or QoS for short, has got BBC One chiefs all a fluster since it clashes with their acronym for telly primetime sports quiz A Question of Sport, also QoS for short.

Live and Let Live

BBC bosses have already started suing Eon Productions, the company behind the Bond films, in an effort to get the title changed.

"QoS is our intellectual property," said a BBC spokesman moments before being made redundant by the ailing broadcaster. "We think that if we can get some cash out of a company as wealthy as Eon, we should be able to keep going for a few more years yet."

Live and Let Die

Eon have yet to respond to the legal action but insiders say a compromise deal was proposed whereby QoS (sport, © BBC 1970-2008) host Sue Barker would have been shagged in the wheelbarrow position by 007, then painted gold and fed to sharks. In return, the BBC would drop its claim. The offer was refused by Barker, though Ally McCoist said he was gay, er, game.

With little sign of the BBC backing down, the filmmakers have turned to gadget man Q in an effort to halt proceedings.

Tedious Q insert

"Now pay attention everyone," he told a press conference. "We all know half the BBC are on drugs. I have in my hand an ordinary, hand-rolled reefer. But if I twist it like this, it releases a deadly nano-virus that will infect all the BBC's computer and other systems, automatically changing the word 'sport' to - and I've picked this at random, 'cunt'. Once the BBC sees it has no QoS brand, that'll be that," he concluded before being carted off to the funny farm.