This is an archive story from February 2008. For the most recent stories go here

‘JUMPER’

Naturists have police on the run

Oswald: Probably meant well

Dave: 'Andsome in a pullover

New film poised to thrill, writes our film robot Larry Hak 2.0

It’s the story of a tank top which is able to teleport anywhere it chooses (as long as there aren’t any sharp nails involved, as that might cause snags).

Flop

In the film, the tank top materialises first in Dallas in 1963, flopping over the face of innocent bystander Lee Harvey Oswald as he helpfully tries to shoot some pigeons flying in the way of the president’s motorcade. Following that, it lands at the feet of Michelangelo, resulting in a very different realisation of his ‘David’.

Notorious creep

Later in the story, the tank top is used as a (not particularly effective) sail by survivors of the ‘Titanic’ disaster, and is waved in surrender by bemused Austrian forces at Austerlitz. Finally, the tank top is used to cover a puddle by notorious creep Sir Walter Raleigh, thereby saving Queen Elizabeth’s Ug boots – a scene which has reopened the debate about product placement in films. Brad Pitt is rumoured to have beaten Tom Hanks and George Clooney to the role of the tank top in the film.

Crack team of naturists

Marjorie Warjery of the Institute of Knitwear said yesterday: ‘We’re delighted with the film, and really excited that jumpers have finally been given their proper place in history.’ However, a crack team of naturists stormed the premiere in Sydney yesterday, demolishing two cardigans and burning a number of scarves in protest. Police beat them back using tickle batons and incredulous laughter.

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