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PRINCE OF DARKNESS CALLS FOR FAST FOOD BAN

The Devil: Two all beef patties

Cerberus: Do you want fries with that?

Lead us not into temptation

Sinners not fit to enter hell

Beelzebub, the Prince Of Darkness has broken years of silence to call for an outright ban of all fast food because it's making his cursed souls too fat.

Lucifer, who hasn't spoken in public since he praised the American emergency management agency in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, has condemned fast food as unhealthy and fattening.

Don't go south of the 7th circle

"Today's sinners are all diseased and sickly." boomed the Scratchman to a cowing Orion Bag reporter Gak 2.0. "How can I fill their hearts with despair if they keep popping out of their chests every five minutes."

Glutton for punishment

The Devil has been forced to adjust some of Hell's eternal punishments to compensate for the oversized murderers, fraudsters, seducers and chuggers entering the abode of the damned. "The wrathful are supposed to move enormous boulders for time without end" he said "Now they just move each other."

"And Cerberus, who looks after the gluttons by feeding them their own excrement, now just stuff's them full chicken burgers with extra fries, and mayo with a little bit of lettuce.. just a little mind."

Super-slurry me

A spokesman for a leading fast food chain denied that their super-sized cuisine makes people ill. "You humans are perfectly safe with our food." he declared while pouring a sack of pig slurry into a giant vat of recovered horse meat "The Devil's just letting off some steam. He'll make nothing of it. After all, he owe's us a favour."

According to Satan however, the situation is untenable . "Even the children are putting on the pounds. I even caught my boy Damien chomping on a whopper with cheese. I sent him to church as punishment."

... and finally

In other news, The Prince of Darkness has launched a new range of Cornish Pasties at his local Tesco in Islington. "One bite and your soul will be mine forever" he pronounced jovially "Go on... try one."

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