This is an archive story from March 2007. For the most recent stories go here

LAST CHANCELLOR SALOON

Chancellor Valorum in happier times

The Evil Usurper: Palpatine Moves in

Gas Guzzlers: Hit Hard with Hyperspace Tax

Valorum's Desperate Last Stand

In a grim bid for relevance in the crumbling Galactic Republic, Chancellor Valorum has come up with a baffling package of budget measure designed to calm the unsettled trade federation and fend off hostilities from the ever growing Republican back-benchers.

Mick's Reception

In a measured speech on Coruscant this afternoon, a nervous Chancellor unveiled what is expected to be his last budget before the galaxy descends into 30 years of carnage and civil war.

The aging General Zod looky-likey spoke for 15 hours whilst being heckled in 396 different languages in the grand council chamber.

Keef Acts

His main points can be summarised as follows:

- A 2 cred reduction in the basic rate of income tax, aimed at easing the burden on low income systems, small businesses and smuggling scoundrels

- life sentences within the Spice Mines of Kessel for benefit dodgers

- 400,000 cred space-tax increase on hyperspace travel for leisure purposes (a victory for the eco-galaxy lobby)

- 5,000 cred tax on ion-drive-guzzling 4x4x4x4 transporters (ditto)

- Royalty to be fined infinite amounts for wearing ridiculous headwear

- Droid benefit rising from 17.45 to 20 cred per aeon

Ron Wood

A Gungan insider spoke to the Bag's intrepid reporter, Gak 2.0. "Eesa bravio move from Valorum, but weesa reckon he already blown it by getting thoso Jedi to go snoopering around een Trade Federation Business. With party so heavee fundido by Neimoidians doubto he holdi onto his seat. Plus there ees thoso accusations 'bout ee largo ball-like weapino-o'-masstruction being constructioned. He'll neverever recoveree from thatun..." Gak 2.0 then responded by drowning Jar Jar Binks in a bucket of his own vomit.

Charlie Wouldn't

Senator Palpatine failed to attend the session and instead stood on the doorstep of the Royal Palace, waving a red briefcase around. Nutter. It is suspected he wishes to get into the Chancellor's robe quicker that you can say "Julie Christie in Far from the Madding Crowd".

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