This is an archive story from September 2007. For the most recent stories go here

JOSE HEADS FOR PERU

Mourinho: Unearthly

Crater: Strange calling

Garibaldi: Favourite biscuit

Toxic meteor triggers bizarre exit

Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho's shock resignation is as a direct result of the strange object which came from outer space and landed in Peru earlier this week.

The headlines tonight

Mourinho's exit was a shock to the football world. It even made top story on the proper news and not the silly back page stuff about boys playing with each other. But the Orion Bag has learned that, rather than falling out with his boss billionaire Oligarch Roman Abramovitch, Mourinho simply upped and left his office Stamford Bridge never to return.

E Tea

Mrs Hamble Liteweight, Chelsea's tea lady, was the last to see Mourinho in England. "I offered Jose his normal cuppa in the morning. 'Sank you Mrs L' he said and was helping himself to a garibaldi when whallop! He dropped his tea and biccies and headed for the door." Mourinho later caught a plane to Peru and is believed to be heading for the Andes and the crash site.

Death from above

Since the object landed on Earth, it has been emitting noxious fumes which have had the locals up all right with stomach cramps and vomiting. Conspiracy theorists believe it to be some US chemical weapons satellite designed to rain death from above. More moderate experts are inclined to believe that it is an extra-terrestrial body sent to retrieve alien sleeper agents and return them to their mother-ship.

Mourinho had been displaying signs of unearthly behaviour recently. Only last week he was seen brandishing space aged computer technology at a referee during a match. In a press conference he described how his football players had started out as eggs in some hideous alien experiment.

Capricorn One

At present, authorities are content to maintain a watching brief over the wandering soccer coach. A GPS antenna has been clamped to his forehead and helicopters fly above keeping a close eye on his movements. So far no one else is displaying similar tendencies although OJ Simpson was recently arrested just in case.

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