This is an archive story from April 2008. For the most recent stories go here

MARATHON MADNESS - HAXED BY THE DOCTOR

London Marathon: Farce

Capricorn One: Inspiration

Orion Bag's Anonymous Source

Hacked by The Doctor

CGI Scandal for one of BBC's last sporting events - Hacked by The Doctor

Hi there folks. I am The Doctor and I am here to help you heal... :)

Ok, Firstly, you have major holes. You're website is vulnerable to sql injection. I recommend you patch this pronto.

Secondly, it is always a good idea to encrypt your passwords. Plaintext passwords is a joke, and its not hard to implement the md5() php function. It helps, I promise :P

I would just like to let you know that I have not stolen any sensitive data, deleted anything, or uploaded any malicious files. I am a good guy. Be glad. There are many out there that would love to take everything from you. I, however, am here to help you heal.

So, get cracking and fix yourself up!

All my love and care...

The Doctor

Just as they seem to have recovered from the phone quiz scandals that rocked broadcasting in 2007, the Orion Bag can reveal that the BBC has resorted to tactics last seen in Capricorn One to ensure the survival of one of the remaining sporting events in their television calendar. We can reveal that The London Marathon does not exist.

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After last Sunday's supposed charity epic, Gak 2.0 spoke to a source, claiming to be part of the giant Marathon fraud machine, taking a quick fag break behind their caravan HQ under Tower Bridge.

Bleeding Nipples

"Since the shots in the first few years of bleeding nipples and wibbly-wobbly-legged sweaties collapsing in a heap at 18 miles, there've been virtually no applications to take part."

"It's a big ratings draw for the BBC, so they decided to "fake it".

With a distinctive white quiff and speaking from behind large disguising shades, wearing a tattered T-shirt with a vintage "ITV World of Sport" logo, he continued:

"they wheel out the same footage year after year from the marathon in 1988. If you peer closely at the telly you'll see everyone has a mullet or is wearing a Bros T-shirt. They CGI in a few modern athletes but on the whole they're all from 20 years ago"

Potato

Millions of couch-potato sports fans tune in every year on an April Sunday morning to witness the sight of 1000 elite athletes and 34,000 hopeless huff-puffers drag themselves round 26.2 miles of the streets of London.

Tomato

Our secret source, continued:

"They spend two weeks cutting together unused footage from the eighties, and then on the day interview the 200-odd idiots stupid enough to show up and run the course dressed as a tomato or Darth Vader. The CGI work is pretty amazing. They've got Paula Radcliffe down, but her head is still a bit wobbly."

Our interview also revealed that the coverage is purposely made so soporific that nobody can focus on the screen for more than fifteen seconds without dozing off. They bring in Steve Cram and Sue Barker to ensure that everyone is in a trance within the first 15 minutes before the supposed "start" of the race.

Our insider added:

"In my opinion they should hand it all over the ITV and start up a Saturday afternoon sport's show."

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